Kajal aur Kupsurat

A few days ago, when I posted something, one of my friend asked me,
"anu, why do you always write about the negativity in the world?"

So here we go. I’m writing about the most magnificent, divine, and alluring part of the world, something that can never be robbed from anyone - a woman's beauty.

Before we delve into that, I would like to quote Jo March:

"Women, they have minds, and they have souls, as well as just hearts. And they've got ambition, and they've got talent, as well as just beauty. I'm so sick of people saying that love is just all a woman is fit for."

Growing up, as I developed my consciousness and started understanding the world, I realised that we girls put so much of our energy into worrying about how we look, how we are perceived externally, and how we present ourselves to society.

They say beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, and colours in any form that can be seen .But isn't beauty about how colourful my soul is ?Isn't it about how I treat people with love and empathy? Isn't it about how I treat myself and everyone around me with kindness? Isn't it about how deeply I love and yearn for everything?

People often define or rationalise their love based on their definition of beauty. They will love you only if you're socially accepted as a "pretty" person.
That’s exactly why I’ve always believed that if a blind person could love you, it would be for you  your real beauty  the kind that can be felt. For your scars and stretch marks that could be traced on skin, for your voice and your laugh that could be heard.

Young girls, begin to define their love for themselves based on how they are loved by the outside world.
But girls, isn’t love something you deserve from yourself before you ever depend on someone else to give it to you?

Body image is a concept that may not have been defined historically, but the desire to improve one’s appearance has existed throughout time. This can be seen in how cosmetics have been used for thousands of years across the world.

However, the active preoccupation with flaws in one’s appearance is a more recent phenomenon  and one that can be emotionally, and even physically, damaging.
Women’s self-esteem can be affected by poor body image. They can suffer from health problems caused by eating disorders or the use of dangerous chemicals marketed as beauty fixes.
Certain groups of women, like those who are physically disabled or visibly different from others, may be especially affected. Even women without poor body image can be negatively impacted by society’s judgment of their appearance  from emotionally stressful family pressure to financially stressful reduced job prospects.

Additionally, social media and the market fuel themselves by trying to make you prettier, skinnier, fairer , basically anything other than what you already are.
They feed off your insecurities, which were foundationally curated by society, just to sell you things to make you "prettier".

i kept thinking it was me.
but what if the mirror was lying?

What is actually the problem here?

Commercialization of Beauty.

  

Our economy  survives by selling us shame. It creates the insecurity and then sells you the fix. First your skin is "too dark", so they sell you fairness creams. Then your body is "too big", so they sell you diet pills, detox teas, and filters. The goal was never to help you. It was always to keep you buying.

Our entire lives, women are not supposed to know if we are pretty. We are supposed to wait for someone else to tell us.
We are supposed to wait for validation before we are allowed to feel it ourselves.

But isn’t that foolish?
We are all so beautiful, in our own ways.

The irony is, even though I preach all of this, tomorrow I will probably go back to using kajal just to feel “prettier”.
I will go back to adding things to my cart on Nykaa, maybe because it is so deeply embedded in me  the idea that I have to look good to feel good.  And I exist with the agony of knowing that I cannot completely get rid of this feeling, no matter how much I unlearn.

Reference-

- https://digitalcollections.sit.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2143&context=isp_collection

- https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Okewa-Owoeye/publication/384197497_EFFECTS_OF_MARKETING_COMMUNICATION_ON_NEW_PRODUCTS_COMMERCIALISATION_AMONG_START-UPS_IN_THE_BEAUTYCOSMETICS_INDUSTRY/links/66ee02df6b101f6fa4f88681/EFFECTS-OF-MARKETING-COMMUNICATION-ON-NEW-PRODUCTS-COMMERCIALISATION-AMONG-START-UPS-IN-THE-BEAUTY-COSMETICS-INDUSTRY.pdf

- https://anthrosource.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/fea2.12076

touching souls, yet drifting apart

In this era, we're closer than ever via calls, messages, Gmail, Locket app, and so much more. Yet we're all so lonely. We still lack emotional closeness, even with the person we love. We cannot confront people who are there for the betterment of us. Social media was indeed one of the best inventions for us. It helped us grow together as a community, socially. It allowed us to choose our social circles.

But individually, did we ever really change?

That empty void you feel when you see the followers of the person you love.

The mutual similarities between you and them.

When you see people liking things that are so unhinged and retarded.

Disguised Distance and the Lack of Emotional Confrontation:

We text people instead of talking to them.

We just react "liked" to their messages.

We send reels and memes to people and hold on to the superficial, the shallow.

And even when you know it’s shallow, you don’t know how to fix it,

because maybe that’s just how it works now.

Even when someone replies, it can still feel like you're talking to a wall.

Presence is no longer about being present.

It’s about being online, replying fast, and pretending to care through curated responses.

We’ve gotten so good at performing connection that we’ve forgotten how to live it.

Passive updates and shallow checkups have replaced meaningful conversations.

Abbreviations were made just so that texting could be made more "efficient."

We have voice notes, video calls, endless apps.

But somehow, we still don't know how to say “I'm hurting”

without fearing being left on read.

Constant connection has created more agony than comfort.

And even though communication is easier now, some people don't even try.

Technology makes it easier than ever to know if someone is doing bad, yet no one checks in.

Not because they don’t care, but because they suck at emotional confrontation.

It breaks friendships.

It ruins relationships.

It breaks people who love each other.

And sometimes, it’s not just the communication gap.

It’s what it reveals.

That feeling of being the third party , even when you're the one they say they love.

It’s when they say you’re important, but don’t text you.

When they watch your stories, but reply to somebody else's.

When they like pictures of someone you don't associate with,

and you feel sick inside, comparing yourself to someone who shouldn’t even be a part of this.

You know they love you. But maybe not enough.

Not enough to choose you loudly.

Not enough to show up when it’s inconvenient.

Just enough to come back when it’s easy.

And you sit with that.

The agony of knowing you’re loved, but never quite chosen.

Maybe it’s time we try to save what we have.

Maybe we call the people we love.

Maybe we stop assuming.

Maybe we stop waiting for something to break before we speak.

Note from me:

Writing this made me emotional, 

I used AI just to fix grammar and structure, everything else is mine :)

Thanks for reading if you did. <3

ashes on the fire

 Aggravation gleaming beneath the calm,

 Indignation rising, alarming the alarm. 

 We have so much in us,

 but you choose to see only the outside, not the fire in me.

 We’ve held our tongues, strained our polite smiles,

 But resentment burns, growing all the while. 

 We are more than what your eyes decide

 Not just beauty, but rage inside

reference-

Gangubhai Kathiawadi 

Crisis , Chilling , Carefree and Capitalism.

Even as a girl in primary school, I was aware that money came with choices,abundance, opportunities, and a million alternatives. The world has always favoured and valued the rich. I was privileged enough to have a roof over my head, a loving and supportive family, and the kindest people in my inner circle. But as I became more self-aware, I started associating money with something else: helplessness, powerlessness, and a lack of control over my own life.

Before we get into that, let’s understand how our modern-day economy works. I’m a commerce student, and this is my takeaway: our economy is capitalist.

What is capitalism, actually?
According to Adam Smith, the 18th-century philosopher and “father of modern economics”:

“It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the baker that we expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own interest.”

Which basically means: people act in self-interest. And capitalism runs on that idea.

As a teenager in this system, how does it affect me?
In capitalism, even education is treated like a product—not a basic right. It’s become a market where students are the customers, and success is measured in economic value. The best schools, the top universities those always benefit the wealthy. Meanwhile, underfunded schools and struggling students are left behind, even if they’re working ten times as hard.

And even after all the saving, hustling, investing, workaholism, and sacrifice, many of us stay stuck in the same place—because there’s always someone with more generational wealth. It’s not just burnout. It’s internalised capitalism.

What is internalised capitalism?
It’s when society’s obsession with productivity and money quietly becomes your own. It’s when:

• You feel guilty for taking breaks

• You think you should always be “doing something”

• You find it hard to rest or stop overthinking

• You tie your worth to how much you get done

• You feel shame when you don’t meet certain “standards”

• You constantly seek validation and feel like nothing is ever enough

• You can’t stop, slow down, or take time off without feeling like you’re failing

And humans suffer in multifarious ways. Much of this suffering, even in its extreme forms, can turn out to be functional if we care to look deeply enough: it may be a call to change, or the organism’s protest against what is harming us or holding us back, or the inevitable outcome of waking up psychologically. Such functional suffering, in my experience, is highly liable to become “dysfunctional” if it is misunderstood or mistreated or wrongly pathologized/stigmatized.

Honestly? These aren’t just personality quirks or “bad habits.” These are symptoms of the world we live in. This system. And it’s not your fault.

We’re told we can’t complain because we have it “better than others.” But we’re all drowning quietly under a system that only values us when we produce, when we profit, when we succeed on their terms.

So what now?
You don’t need to “earn” rest. You don’t need to monetize every hobby. You are not lazy for needing peace. You are not broken for feeling exhausted. And when things feel like too much, I do the things that make me feel like myself again. I crochet. I read. I make playlists for people I love. I go on long walks. I talk to someone I trust (I promise they are there to help you and get you through the rough patch). I journal, or just rant on paper. I write for myself.

Basically: I go out and touch some grass.

End of the day, even if you have very little control over it, just try to let go instead of holding on so tightly because sometimes change itself means adapting to it and growing with it, instead of resenting it so much.

Thanks for reading. Ani in agony today. I’m a beginner writer, so let me know if you have any feedback. Byee <3

Reference- 

 - https://asjp.cerist.dz/index.php/en/article/258871

- https://www.imf.org/en/Publications/fandd/issues/Series/Back-to-Basics/Capitalism

- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-biology-of-human-nature/202309/how-capitalism-is-making-us-sick?utm_

- https://embraceourcalling.com/book-review-the-end-of-burnout-jonathan-malesic/?utm_source