me&missing

My entire life has been a continuous series of missing everything I've lived through ever since I developed some sort of psychological conscience. I don't just miss things; I long for them -- I yearn for them. I miss everything and anything that has ever happened to me, or that is bound to happen to me. I could conclude that I'm someone who doesn't live in the present, so I will probably miss the present moment in the future, but I can't help it. I live in my own head, and there could be a million things I could be thinking about.

rays via my glasses

I could be missing how I would sing Bieber songs all day when I was 11, or I could be missing how my room used to smell after someone I loved would leave when I was 17, or I could be missing my grandfather sitting in the living room reading a newspaper while I watched Doraemon when I was 8.

So basically, what is missing, actually? Missing, for me, is longing for something that is bound to happen or something that is already over, and feeling so much that I couldn't find a word to associate with the memory because it made me feel so many things all at once.

But the actual trick comes with what I do with the feeling of longing. I sit with it most of the time. I try not to distract myself with anything, but I end up listening to my playlists and missing them even more. I sometimes wonder if, by wearing their sweater out in public, somehow or somewhere, they'd see that I still feel for them. I also wonder if I still go to that pani puri stall, I might run into the friends I stopped speaking to. I also wonder if, by reading the Kannada newspaper, my grandfather could be proud of me.

But missing and longing for things is what makes me human. It tears me with the warmth and joy I once got from those memories, the sorrow that I won't be able to go back, and yet hopefulness because those moments were probably never mine to possess. They were only mine to experience. Like everything else in this world, they arrived, stayed for a while, and then continued on without asking my permission.

Maybe longing is my form of love for everything that was once a part of my life. I still think about my grandfather whenever Dr. Rajkumar songs start playing. I still add songs to the playlist I once made for someone I was in love with, and I still think about all the songs we sang while walking home. Longing for something or someone could be an act of overcoming it or reminiscing about it, but what if I simply like attaching myself to everything that is placed in my path because I know I can never hold on to it forever?

That's enough ani in agony for today.

thanks for reading <3

byeye:)

References/Things which inspired me to write this :3

1. https://open.spotify.com/artist/3nnQpaTvKb5jCQabZefACI 
   
2. https://open.spotify.com/track/5Qv2Nby1xTr9pQyjkrc94J 

NOTE:

THE EM DASHES ARE MINE. THEY ARE NOT GENERATED. I WROTE THIS BY MYSELF